10 learnings from contemporary Russian foreign policy

1. Syrian opposition has handed out U.S. passports and sent a letter to  United States‘ president Obama pleading for intervention to stop the imaginary threat for the lives of U.S. citizens in Homs. In an official statement Barrack Obama has been reported saying that „this is no longer an internal affair of Syria, as the lives of American citizens are in danger.“

2. President-in-Exile Wiktor Yanukovych has formally appealed to the Russian Duma to add the two Ukranian medals won in Sochi 2014 to Russia’s tally, as they are otherwise threatened by Western aggressors, terrorists and fascists. The revised humanitarian medal table reads:

1st RUSSIA 14 Gold, 11 Silver, 10 Bronze
…
27th UKRAINE 0 Gold, 0 Silver, 0 Bronze

3. Thomas Bach, IOC president, has changed the name of the Olympic Truce programme to Olympic Farce programme. The Olympic Farce Wall will be established in time for the Paralympics on March 7.

4. Impressed by the Russian coup, Spain’s parliament has voted in favor of creating a „Mediterranean Fleet“ and signed a deal with local Gibraltar pro-Spanish loyalists to deploy it in Gibraltar until 2043.

5. China continues to buy deeply into the stock market as the so-called old powers re-enact their classic Cold War play.

6. The United States reforms its army into two new divisions: (1) unmarked uniforms (illegal combatant edition) for direct and covet humanitarian interventions and (2) regular US uniforms for official symbolic missions for the UN and parades on 4th of July. The new regular uniforms will be designed by Ralph Lauren.

7. Germany has declared former chancellor Gerhard Schroeder Germany’s first freelance „Minister for Electricity and Gazprom“, securing a long-term payment scheme with the state-owned Russian energy company.
As part of the inauguration ceremony, the German army opera corps performed Verdi’s opera „Nabucco“, conducted by Daniel Barenboim.

8. The European Commission has announced to launch a twitter channel @ECconcern to regularly issue tweets of „deep concern“ on state interventions or foreign state’s internal affairs. The hashtag used will be #noeconomicinterest or #ashtonia.

9. „Provocateurs“ become an official department of state or secret police forces all over the world. Democratic demonstrations can thus be „guided“ more effectively. The new Departments of Provocation usually are part of the Press and Media Office and payment of the agents is on success basis on social media impact, number of fatalities and press clippings.

10. Supporting splinter groups and furthering a divided opposition to drive states into breaking up is again widely regarded as an apt way to expand your sphere of interest to neighboring countries. This sentiment is sometimes ironically coined „to open Matroshka’s box“. However, all states agree on Putin’s plea in the New York Times article from 09/11/2013 that „decisions affecting war and peace should happen only by consensus.“
It is reported that after Barrack Obama, Vladimir Ilyitsch Putin could soon be the second statesman in recent history to receive the Nobel Peace Prize.